something has been off with me the past couple days and it's actually to the point where for the first time, my friends around me have kind of noticed. i can't decide if i'm relieved at that or not. i just feel kind of beaten down. i feel weary and tired of this fight, of this problem and this life. i feel like the ultimate failure, which is getting me incredibly down on myself. i feel like a failure at school, a failure at being a good friend, a failure at being a good sorority member, a failure at being a good daughter, a failure at being skinny, a failure to God, and the list goes on. And because of that, I feel like i deserve to be alone, that i don't deserve to be around anyone and that they wouldn't want me to, so i've hidden in my room the last 2 days. i feel like i deserve to throw up everything i eat even if it hurts and is tearing my body apart, so i eat more than i want to, just so i can kill myself throwing it up. because i deserve the pain, i deserve the isolation.
yesterday, i woke up planning to go to class, but then i threw up breakfast so badly that i made myself dizzy and weak and had a horrible sore throat and headache so i got back in bed and stayed there the entire day/night. i didn't go to any of my classes, even when i felt better. i just didn't see the point in getting up. i stayed in bed all day, only getting up to eat and throw up, because in some twisted way i felt like i deserved that pain, and so i ended up throwing up 5 times yesterday. then my sorority always has chapter monday nights and last night i didn't go (first time i've ever missed it b/c it's mandatory) so a couple of the girls i'm close with texted or facebooked me after asking why i wasn't there and if i was ok. then today it was really hot outside and i was in a big sweatshirt because i hate how fat i am and i guess i must look exactly how i feel because one of my older sorority sisters came up to me and asked if i was ok and said i looked really sad. the older girl in my sorority who knows about the eating stuff told me she's really worried about my health and me and i'm scaring her...so i'm trying to hide, but she knows anyway. i just can't show my face...i am so ashamed of myself. i can't put a bite of food in my mouth without considering if, when, and where i can throw it up.
"You begin to forget what it means to live. You forget things. You forget that you used to feel all right. You forget what it means to feel all right because you feel like shit all the time, and you can't remember what it was like before. [People] take for granted the feeling of steadiness, of hands that do not shake, heads that do not ache, throats not raw with bile and small rips from fingernails forced in haste to the gag spot...When you begin to feel well, health will feel wrong, it will make you dizzy, it will confuse you, you will get sick again because sick is what you know."
"In truth, you like the pain. You like it because you believe you deserve it, and the fact that you're putting yourself through pain means you are doing what you, by all rights, ought to do. You're doing something right. It's hard to describe how these 2 things can take place in the same mind: the self-absorbed pride in yourself for your incredible feat, and the belief that you are so evil as to deserve starvation and any other form of self-mutilation. They coexist because you've split yourself in two."
